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Today I had to deal with bullshit at work as usual. The politics in that place drive me up the wall. But that's not what this entry's about. This one is kinda more of a reflective look at things.
I am in the process of leaving the apartment that I had leased in an effort to save money in the long term. While cleaning and throwing crap out this evening it hit me. And it hit me hard. While I was there, I talked to my neighbor G. I told him that I had broken up with my girlfriend back in July and just kinda summed up things over the past couple months.
I flashed back to the day that we moved in her stuff, I had moved in a couple months before. I remember being so happy that she was going to live with me. I can still picture her face. I don't know that I had ever seen her smile so much since we had been dating.
And then I thought about all the fighting after that, all the mistakes, the hateful words. All the things that can't ever be taken back. The night that I had admitted that I cheated on her. Three times. All mistakes and all permanent. I went to the fight to keep us together when all that she wanted to do was run. The thoughts of what if I never had told her.
The night that we broke up. The day she moved her things. All of it came rushing over me so fast tonight. I almost lost grip. I love her. At this point I have no choice but to let her go. She has to decide if one day she will ever want to be friends again and I have to give her that space.
It's the hardest thing that I have ever done. It makes me weak inside and my heart heavy. It's a bad movie playing over and over in my head. Every step that I take is both easier and harder.
You see, life is like an hourglass. Time will always move forward but some moments just keep getting flipped back.
I just wish someone had some super glue, so that I may glue the hourglass to the table and not have to relive the painful past.
